One piece of feedback has followed me throughout almost every leadership role I've held. Different businesses, different sectors, different teams and different people. Yet the words are uncannily similar and usually some variation of:

"The difference is that you actually care."

I've always found this slightly uncomfortable. Not because I disagree with it, but because I've never quite understood it. Surely everybody cares? Or at least they should.

I've often asked people what they mean, and their answers have never been precise or particularly specific. They talk about checking in on them, or asking about their family. Taking an interest in their development, or giving them the opportunity to do more. Caring about customers and about standards. They’ve cited caring about the business, about the team and about achieving results. Sometimes it's been even simpler than that. Taking the time to listen. Saying hello or good morning. Remembering somebody's name or asking, "Are you okay?" and genuinely wanting to know the answer.

The answers have always been different, but they all seem to point towards the same thing. Whilst I've never really been able to pin it down specifically, they’ve always appeared to me as things that are simply part of the job. Hence, unremarkable.

Then it struck me, care isn't really something people analyse or assess in the moment. It's something they feel.

Whilst genuine care can be difficult to describe, it's a bit like "The Force" in Star Wars. Difficult to define and impossible to measure precisely, yet people instinctively know when it is present and immediately recognise when it is absent.

We've all experienced it. The boss or colleague who doesn't care. The fair weather friend or the hotel receptionist at the end of a long journey who don’t care. Same goes for the disinterested waiter or tired and cynical doctor or nurse who at some point gave up properly caring.

They can appear anywhere, in any setting but you recognise and sense it almost instantly. No complicated analysis is required, no survey, no engagement score out of 10 or leadership framework is required. It flashes like a giant red warning light with the siren attached for good measure screaming: “I simply just don’t give a damn!” People feel it instinctively. Customers notice it instantly. Teams clock it and critically mirror it immediately.

The irony is that many organisations spend enormous amounts of time and money trying to define culture, engagement and their leadership values. Yet people often make remarkably simple judgements.

Do you care? Do you care about me? Do you care about the customer? Do you care about the quality of the work? Do you care about the outcome? Do you care enough to have the honest conversation? Do you care enough to challenge poor behaviour? Do you care enough to help somebody improve? Do you care enough to simply say thank you or well done?

People will not remember every decision a leader makes, but it’s true that they don’t forget how that leader made them feel. Perhaps that is why care matters so much. Not because it is soft, or intangible, or because it is sentimental. But because people can sense its absence immediately, and once they do, everything else becomes harder.

Conversely, when people genuinely believe you care, it changes how they interpret everything else. They tend to assume positive intent. They trust that decisions are being made in their interests, the team's interests or the organisation's interests rather than purely your own.

They become more receptive to challenge, more open to feedback and more willing to hear difficult truths. They are more likely to share concerns early, offer ideas freely and go the extra mile when circumstances require it. Not because they agree with or understand every decision. But because they trust the intent behind it.

Maybe that's what they meant all along.